Thursday, October 6, 2011

iPhone 5 Delay/Schedule Kills Apple Founder Steve Jobs: Yes, Dead

Less than 24 hours after Apple Inc. created its first post-Steve Jobs, "oh shit" marketing moment by failing to extinguish the world media's most prolific prediction failure (nominally) in the history of human existence, Steve Jobs' internal components have crashed irreparably & permanently.  There is no backup.

Palo Alto, CA coroners Jim Balsillie & Michael Lazaridis report that Jobs, famous for having a temper even Martha Stewart might say was a bit touchy, died from a gradual deterioration of spirits leading up to the supposed "iPhone 5 announcement," (something even Al Gore knew was not coming).

Reaction worldwide was immediate & profound: shock... numbed & dazed by smart phone addiction, even among Droid users on the Sprint network.

With this loss, the rest of the world regains Jobs' estimated $8.3Bil of personal wealth which is a figure large enough  to prevent the death by starvation of 60 million children over the next 10 years, a fact that has newly charitable Bill Gates & Warren Buffet along with less friendly (but also dead) Adolph Hitler & Joseph Stalin adjusting their collars.  Asked about this unheralded Apple milestone via a series of faxed messages today, Jobs' New York based journalist daughter, Lisa Brennan-Jobs said that it wouldn't be surprising...given that his ludicrous paternity denials left her and her mother stuck on welfare the first two years of her life.  (They eventually reconciled)

In China, where most of Jobs' Apples....er Apple's Jobs were made, an insightful perspective was provided by The People, who, thanks to communist censorship, were only reachable via the Tor Project network which is a series of untraceable network links used partly by Wall Street insiders to exchange illegal trading tips and which is made possible through the ethical actions of some hacker group.  A man identifying himself as 31 year old Hu Yaobang offered this reflection on the passing of the great Apple innovator, "In rice field, I work 15 hour of twenty two years each day.  I attend five years of people's university to be the nuclear expert. Now we glue glass plate to aluminum band seventeen hours today.  I am desperate to be Steve Jobs."  When reminded that the impetus for the interview was Steve Jobs' death, Yaobang paused and then thoughtfully added, "May I then be the dead toe of Mr. Steve?"

One group who certainly worshipped Steve Jobs over the last several days of his life would be those suffering from Neuroendocrine Cancer, since a portion of Apple's revenue (via Jobs) greatly advanced the understanding of this terrible disease at least among Jobs' medical team.  Due to a knowledge sharing oversight not unlike the famous Apple stock option back dating felonies.. misdemeanors, none of them were healthy or alive enough for comment.

At the house of Gizmodo editor Jason Chen, comments were easier to come by. Recall that last year, Chen's data center was arrested and he was investigated for felony possession of an iPhone 4 as a non-Chinese citizen American and owning too many non-Apple notebooks and servers. "Don't you get it, dude? I didn't know it at the time but I didn't have an iPhone 4. I had a mother fucking iPhone 4S bro!!! THAT'S why they sent the law to my place.  They knew if that thing was announced, it would be the death of Steve Jobs!! Damn, I didn't get it. Damn!!"  Chen issued several more obscenities and became incoherent.

Steve Jobs is dead. There isn't an app for that.


Disclosure: I've been a life long fan of Apple and thus, Steve Jobs. We all handle grief differently.

1 comment:

Doug Johnson said...

You may be criticized for this blog entry, but I appreciated it. I am going to put your contact information in my will so you can write whatever eulogy might be needed when I pass on. We do all grieve differently. I have threatened my wife with opening "Jojo the clown's Funereal Wonderland" as my next career choice.
Thanks.